There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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