Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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