it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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