I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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