I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
