i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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