I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Randomize
