mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
