I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
