I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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