thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
