You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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