this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
