I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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