You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
