I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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