i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
