all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
