if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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