Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
