I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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