Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
