so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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