I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
