I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
