you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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