it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
