I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
