I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence