So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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