Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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