I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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