I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
