Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
