his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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