Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
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I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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