Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
