Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
