I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
