It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
