I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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