You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize