So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
