He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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