i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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