It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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