omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
