Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
