I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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