Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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