Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
