That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
