and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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