The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
