You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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